Dear Mom

You don't even know what you are capable of....

This is a letter to you. To remind you of why your love has helped me grow as a woman, mother and wife.

Today is complicated for you. I don’t even have to ask to know that this day can be fucking heavy for you. Afterall you didn’t have a mother. I mean, you did….but you didn’t. Here’s your mother. My grandmother. I have some pretty great memories of this woman. I mean she did make some pretty badass cinnamon & sugar toast. I have yet to perfect that shit. She did teach me a few things in this life. But those memories are far clouded over by everything she took away.

You see mother, she clouded my memories for several reasons. The biggest had nothing and everything to do with me.

She was a shitty mom.

She gave your everything and she gave you absolutely nothing while you were growing up. You were not the apple of her eye. She was selfish. She didn’t grow from having you.

Now, was she a murderous, evil bitch? No. But she was neglectful in raising you. She isn’t the only one at fault here. See, you had another mother. The one your father, my grandfather, married after her. That woman also taught me a few things in this life. But I have to make up for her wrongs to you too. See that woman treated you like shit. Yet, your father praised her..and even her children don’t see the hurt that woman caused you.

I don’t have to go into detail about how these two woman who were supposed to provide you unconditional love and endearment failed you.

Because at the end of the day, you did not let their mistakes ruin you from being a good mother.

See that girl? That was your first real intro to being a mother. That fucking smile? That is your growth. That child is me. A literal perfect image of you but with her own soul that you crafted.

That girl above is me. Obviously.

But what is not obvious from that photo? It’s the hurt behind the person who took the photo. You. My mother. The one who had another child shortly after me. The mother that raised those children under some hard fucking times. An abusive husband was behind it. A lacking support from family was behind it. Above all a woman struggling to give her kids the best despite the limitations and hardships she faced.

See, you were handed two kids that were completely different. You loved them both equally. You gave them everything you could. And one of these, despite how much you tried made you suffer…as if you deserved that shit. Which, you fuggin never deserved. We both suffered. And maybe its because of the way that child came into this world. We both know it wasn’t under great circumstances. And it makes me angry you had to face that pain. But. despite the suffering that child put you through, I want you to know that you did everything you could within your power to give him love. To provide. He chose his path. And that’s on him

Somehow, despite the shit you went through with the person who helped you create us, you finally made your break. You were destined to find love again. To feel love again. You fucking deserved to feel that love. And you found it.

You married a man that made you feel good. You married a man that could only give you love two ways. These two boys here. These two have given you love and above all commitment. They are the result of consistent love from you. And a sister that learned how to mother because of them. I’d like to think I had a hand in helping their early years. It was a team effort…but one that was 99% your hard work.

Their co-creator was and still is a piece of shit like mine. That man shocked you beyond belief by hurting me. You, didn’t deserve that hurt. And I am here to remind you (because you haven’t heard it enough), that, that hurt is not your fault. He was evil. He played all of us. And despite the hurts he gave us, you healed us in that pain. You healed me. I was terrified that day that I had to tell you. I will never forget that conversation. I was terrified that you wouldn’t accept me. That you wouldn’t believe me.

I was wrong.

See that day you stepped up to your own potential. You showed me the strength, I knew I would possess for myself and for my future children.

That day you took a stand for yourself, your boys and for me.

That day, you stepped into your power.

You carried me beyond a physical sense. You carried my heart and soul. You saved me.

We struggled. We had it fucking rough for a hot minute. And despite those struggles, despite the absolute shit times we faced because of that man, you didn’t stop being the best, hardworking mom you could be. You showed me how to persevere through hardships. You made that last year before I moved the most special. I won’t forget those 2 AM trips to Sheetz for a sanwich and a slushie. It wasn’t that I got something either. It was because I got to see you so free. That is why that memory is so damn special to me. That being said laughing with you at 6 AM at work over dead cats is still a highlight. One that no one can ever understand.

You taught me that life is too short to be serious. You taught me to laugh at my mistakes. You taught me how to be a good sister. You taught me how to be a good friend. You taught me to be me.

You taught me how to be a good mother.

I left for California leaving everything I ever knew behind. Leaving you behind. That was fucking hard. But because everything you taught me, I survived there for 13 amazing years. In that time frame, you raised those boys to be good men. You supported me when I gave birth the first time. You held me through my divorce. All while you dealt with your own shit.

Then. You met the man you deserved. The one we deserved. In that one connection you healed the hurt in your life. You healed the hurt I had. You healed the hurt the boys had.

Your one decision to pursue a relationship with him despite the hurt you faced in the past allowed us to have the dad we deserved.

You didn’t just heal us. You helped another child heal hurt that her mother caused. You helped raise another daughter that would appreciate everything you gave to her. And those decisions to love her as your own taught me how to love those who I did not birth.

Your decision to be better than what you were given allowed 4 children to be their best selves.

Your success is not measured by what is in your bank account. Because quite frankly, we suffered financially growing up. But that financial suffering created hardworking kids that grew into hardworking adults. Your success is measured in 5 grandchildren, 4 kids, a daughter-in-law, and a son-in-law. Your success is your happiness with the man you deserve. Your success is that you are a better human than the mothers that came before you.

It is because of you that I am able to show up and serve the mothers and fathers that come to me. It is because of you that I have given birth to two beautiful boys not my own. It is because of you that I know what to teach my daughter and sons what they deserve.

Thank You

I can never give you something that is intangible. The something that I will carry forever. The something that my children and my grandchildren will benefit from. Your love, your hardwork, your commitment to me and your desire to be better will heal your great grandchildren.

Thank you for allowing me to grow within your womb. Thank you for allowing me to hear and feel your heart. Thank you for giving birth to me. Thank you for giving me brothers. Thank you for showing me how hard it is to survive. Thank you for showing me how to turn your situations into necessary growth. Thank you for giving me the dad I always needed. Thank you for being an amazing grandmother despite how far you are.

Dear Mom

Thank you for showing up for me when no one did that for you.

Remember woman, remember you are more than you can see. Remember woman, remember you are loved endlessly.

Dear Mom

I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.